


McGee's First Big Assignment

by USAFChief (lanalucy)



Category: NCIS
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-17
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-09 18:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4359626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanalucy/pseuds/USAFChief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent McGee gets an assignment by the Director of NCIS that may change his life forever. At the least it will give him some additional experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	McGee's First Big Assignment

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not claim any part of NCIS, and I do not make any money from writing these stories.
> 
> There are references to my previous stories about "the fan." You may be a little lost with some of the dialogue if you haven't read those. The wonderful lady who started "The Fan" story line created an alternate universe I can't seem to escape, not that I really want to. I don't know whether one can call this a crack!fic, but I did have a lot of fun writing it and laughed out loud a couple of times as I heard the characters talking in my head.

Susan Grady rose off the chair she had been occupying in the director's waiting room as his door began to open. She was eager to present her report. She had a date and she wanted to get home on time tonight. She began walking toward the door before Luther, the director's current administrative assistant, could tell her she was next. However, she stopped abruptly as she was confronted by an angry Dr. Janice Bracco coming out the door. Evidently her meeting had not gone well. 

Bracco spoke first. "Are you following me everywhere I go?"

"Wha…what do you mean?"

"Tim went with me to have a drink last night, and today I heard you have a date with him tonight. Here I am giving my semi-annual report, and you seem to be following me. I don't like it, and I don't like you!" Janice got right up in Susan's face as she said the last words.

"Tim asked me out and I said 'yes'."

Susan tried to move past her and bumped Janice with her shoulder as she walked toward the door to the director's office. Her progress was impeded by Janice grabbing her right arm, spinning her around and shoving her hard against the door.

"He asked you out after you tricked him into it with your fake polygraph retake, you silly little bitch! Otherwise he would never have given you a second look!"

Susan rebounded from the door and although she was a little stunned, the time she'd spent growing up with two active brothers served her well. She slapped Janice in the face hard enough to make her head twist. Janice retaliated with another shove against the door and followed that with a kick toward Susan's shins. The kick didn't connect and left Janice off balance. Janice reached out and grabbed the front of Susan's blouse, but the top three buttons popped off the blouse and Janice stumbled backwards. Susan was on her immediately, driving Janice to the floor with her own body and pulling her long black hair at the same time. The women were beginning to scream at each other as they pulled hair, slapped each other, and tore at one another's clothing. They rolled around the floor, first one getting the advantage, then the other.

Luther was grinning from ear to ear when the director stuck his head out the door to see what was causing the commotion. "Luther, get over here and help me pull these two apart."

Luther was amazed. Susan had a bloody nose and her partially exposed left breast had three scratches welling blood. Both women's skirts were hiked above their waists and the pantyhose were shining as if they were wet. Janice had the makings of a shiner on her left eye and a bright red right cheek where she had been slapped repeatedly. 

It was difficult getting the women apart, but they finally began to calm a little after the director bellowed, "Stop this right now or I'm going to get the fire hose!" When some decorum had been reestablished, Vance said, "Ladies, come into my office so we can get to the bottom of this. Sit down and stop glaring at one another. Luther, have Doctor Mallard come to my office…with his medical bag."

Tim McGee answered his phone on the first ring, "NCIS, Agent McGee."

"McGee, get your butt to my office on the double, and bring Gibbs with you." Director Vance had never spoken to Tim in that tone before and it shook McGee. He jumped to his feet and said, "Boss, the director wants you and me in his office on the double."

"What did you do now, McProblemchild? Publish the password to the director's email?" DiNozzo was smiling as he saw the consternation on the younger man's face.

Without a word, Gibbs rose and followed McGee up the stairs to the director's office – two steps at a time. "Go right in, gentlemen. Doctor Mallard is already inside," Luther said with a bright smile on his face.

Tim's mouth dropped open as he saw the two disheveled women seated at the director's conference table. Ducky was packing cotton into Susan Grady's nostrils and Janice Bracco was holding a cold pack to an eye that looked like it was swelling shut. McGee was baffled, to say the least.

"McGee, will you kindly explain to me what this is all about?"

"Er…um, I can't, Director Vance. I don't know." Tim shook his head in wonder.

Gibbs leaned against the door, a slight smirk on his face, saying nothing.

Without looking up, Dr. Mallard asked, "Timothy, these ladies say you are the cause of their current misery. What have you done to unleash this fury?"

"Nothing, Ducky, I swear. I don't have any idea about what's happening."

Vance glowered at McGee as he said, "Neither of them is telling me anything that makes any sense, McGee, so as soon as the doctor releases them, you take them somewhere and get to the bottom of it. This is on you. Get me some answers."

McGee nodded, worry creasing his brow. He had no idea where to start.

Ducky had done all he could for the two women and he told them they could leave, but to come see him if they felt they needed additional attention for any of their wounds. He nodded at the director then to Jethro with a quick wink then left the room quickly.

"All right McGee, they're all yours. Get them out of here and see what kind of sense you can make of this."

"Yes, sir." He led the women through the door and said, "Let's go to the conference room so we can talk."

Back in his office, Leon looked at Gibbs with a smile and said, "Is he really that naïve?"

Gibbs chuckled almost to himself and said, "Tim has led a sheltered life."

"Well, I think he's about to gain a lot of experience very quickly." Vance laughed out loud. "You ever have 'em fight over you like that?"

"Nope. Kept it to one at a time. Fewer problems that way."

"Yeah, me, too. Although Jackie got pretty protective at times. Things are gonna be all crazy for a day or two. Your team is working cold cases now, right?"

"Yeah, we can spare McGee while he does some team building of his own." Now Jethro was flashing the smile that lit his face like a thousand-watt bulb. "This is going to be more fun than that crazy woman chasing DiNozzo and David."

"Think he can handle it?"

"Oh, yeah. He's got some depth to him. He'll do okay – if they don't kill him first." Gibbs laughed out loud, startling Vance.

Tony was pacing back and forth across the bullpen muttering under his breath, "Why just probie and Gibbs? Why not me? I'm a great investigator. There's something hinky going on, I just know it. What's taking so damn long?" Stopping in front of Ziva's desk he said, "Ziva, you're tight with Luther. Call him and find out what's going on."

"I will not. It is none of our business unless Gibbs or the director tells us."

"Come on, Probette, there's something big happening and we need to be able to plan for it. Call him, willya?"

Ziva smiled smugly, looked Tony in the eye and said, "Tony, I know you have no hair on your chest and I know why. I also know you are not having any sex. Don't bully me or I will tell everyone."

Tony slumped back to his desk. "I'll get that damned Palmer. You can bet on it." He was almost immediately back on his feet looking up at the walkway outside the director's office. McGee had his right arm around Dr. Man Hands and his left arm around the polygraph chick and was moving them toward the conference room. They both looked like they had been in a cat-fight. "Cat-fight! Why is Probie handling a cat-fight? I need to help him." He hurried toward the stairs, but was cut off by none other than Gibbs who had just exited the director's office.

"No, DiNozzo."

"But boss, McGee has more than he can handle. He needs my help."

"No, DiNozzo. Get back to work."

"Boss, what happened up there? Why is McGee in the middle of those two women? You trained me to investigate, boss, I need to go investigate."

Gibbs' glare shut Tony down but it couldn't stop his racing imagination. He conjured up hundreds of scenarios, immediately discarding them, and finally concluded that he could not make any of his cat-fight dreams fit what he had seen. This was just too weird.

"Susan, why were you and Janice fighting?" McGee was still struggling with the fact that he had been blamed for this mess and put in charge of getting resolution.

"It was her fault! She just attacked me. I was fighting back, that's all." Susan was as petulant as a three year old, and even had her lower lip out in a pout.

"Janice, please tell me what happened. Why were you and Susan fighting?"

"She pissed me off, that's why! Miss I've Got a Date With Tim McGee, prissing around, bragging to anyone who'll listen about how she fooled you into asking her out. She still pisses me off just sitting there!" Janice moved as if to stand, but McGee pressed her back down into the chair.

"I did not! I do not going around telling everyone about who I had a drink with last Friday night, Miss Blabbermouth! Come at me again and I'll black your other eye!"

"Ladies, please, just calm down. There's no need to shout at one another. I didn't know either one of you until very recently, so I can't understand where this animosity comes from. Janice, please tell me calmly what caused all this."

"You did, Tim, you did! I would have expected DiNozzo to go off chasing some swishing skirt after having a drink with me, but not you, Tim. When I heard her bragging in the ladies room that she has a date with you, I got jealous. Then when I saw her outside Vance's office ready to prance in after me, I lost it. The bitch pisses me off and I'm gonna do more than rip her blouse and scratch a booby next time I get her!"

"Calm down, now, please." This was the first Tim had heard of a scratched breast and he looked at Susan more carefully. Sure enough, she was holding her blouse closed and there was blood staining it above her left breast.

Susan was immediately on the defensive, "I'll whip your ass, you pinheaded shrink. I may not be a field agent, but I've been through FLETC and I've got skills. Come on, baby, let's go!" She let go of her blouse and began to stand. Once again, Tim found himself pressing a woman down into her chair.

"Ladies, please. Start acting like ladies. Women in prison don't behave as badly as the two of you." He stood looking from one to the other wondering how he was going to solve this. Gibbs would know what to do, but Gibbs had agreed with the director that Tim was to handle it. Tony might help…oh, god, no, not Tony. He would only make the situation worse, egging them on even more.

Tim sat down and gave his most earnest look to both women. "I like both of you. Janice, I enjoyed our time together and I plan to ask you out again." Janice smiled wanly at Tim, but immediately scowled at Susan when Tim went on, "Susan, I look forward to our date and getting to know you better." Susan beamed brightly, but turned and stuck her tongue out at Janice. Tim went on, "I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship with anyone. I don't even date that much, so this is crazy. Why can't we all just be friends?"

"I don't care about exclusive dating either, but Miss Polygraph Allure over there still pisses me off, and I'm not going to be her friend!"

"Up yours, Dr. Shrink! I'm gonna whip your ass at the first opportunity! No friends, Tim, not with her."

"I have to think about this. I'm going to separate you two for a while so I can think. Susan, you stay in this conference room while I walk Janice to her office, then I'll come back and walk you to your office. Neither of you are to go anywhere unless I am with you, understand?"

They both nodded.

As Tim was about to walk away after escorting Janice to her office, she grabbed him by both shoulders and kissed him deeply on the mouth, her tongue licking lasciviously across his lips several times before she released him. "That should let you know exactly how I feel, Tim. I'll stay right here until you come to get me, I promise. And I'll be thinking of you." She tried to smile as she turned away, but the puffiness around her eye and cheek made the smile crooked and almost menacing.

Tim did not see Tony peeking around the corner as he walked back to the conference room. When he walked in Susan had her blouse open and her bra pulled down revealing the swell of her left breast and the gauze covered scratches above the nipple. She was pressing against the gauze pad and the tape as she looked up at Tim. "I think the bleeding has stopped. Want to check for me?"

"N…n…no, but I can call Dr. Mallard if you want?"

Susan slowly covered herself with her bra and buttonless blouse as she said, "That's okay. I'll be fine." She pressed a breast against Tim's arm as he ushered her to the door, and she stayed very close to him all the way to her office. She was not as forceful as Janice had been, but she too leaned toward McGee and pressed her lips against his, opening her mouth slightly and sliding her wet tongue along his lip. "See you later, Tim."

Again, McGee did not see DiNozzo lurking around the corner or following him back to the bullpen. Gibbs gave Tim an almost startled look as he sat down at his desk.

"I took each one back to her office and made them promise not to leave. I have to think about the problem, boss. I don't have any idea how to handle this. Got any suggestions?"

"Only one. Don't ask DiNozzo."

"Did I hear my name? Who needs me? Oh, Probie number one, you're back. Did you get a special assignment? What's up? Anything you need my help with? What can I do?"

"Tony, remember what I told you about bothering me?" asked Ziva.

Tony nodded.

"It applies to McGee, too."

"Oh, come on! You can't do that! Just because you got it on with him once doesn't mean to have to 'mother hen' for him the rest of his life. Besides, he needs the help of an experienced man."

"From my point of view, McGee has more experience with women than you do, Tony. All I have ever seen from you is you running away from them. Shall I call your fan for confirmation?"

"She's not my fan! She's your fan! You and your accomplices. If you call her, tell her McGee is in trouble and needs help."

Gibbs sat smirking, listening to the banter. He and Vance had been right, this was going to be fun to see, and the good part was yet to come.

"I do need help, that's for sure. Ziva, will you help me?"

"Certainly, McGee. What can I do?"

"Not here. I don't want Tony to hear. We'll have to go to Gibbs' office."

"I'm right here!" yelled Tony. "I hear you insulting me, Probie. What's up with that? I've helped you learn all the things you know about NCIS investigative technique and how to meet women and all sorts of stuff, and now you don't want me to hear? C'mon, man, I can help you. Tell your best buddy all your problems."

Gibbs snorted.

Ziva snorted.

McGee just sat looking glumly at Tony.

"Ahhh, shit! Janice Bracco and Susan Grady had a fight in the director's office and he assigned me to get to the bottom of it because they wouldn't tell him why they were fighting."

"Wow! Dr. Man Hands and Polygraph Chick? In the director's office? Why assign it to you, McGee? Why not me? I can find out quick on quick. I saw you walking them to their offices, but I had no idea it was this cool. Another chick fight and I missed this one, too!"

"When was the chick fight you missed, Tony?" asked Ziva.

"When Gibbs was in the hospital. You and Abby had your slap session and I missed it."

"Ziva, could you just talk to them and see if you can find out why they were fighting?" asked Tim.

"Certainly, McGee. When Gibbs assigned us to take one for the team and Tony refused sex with me, you helped me fulfill the mission. Now I will help you."

"That's not fair, Ziva! I didn't refuse sex with you! I refused to shave my chest. There's a big difference."

"Ahhh…but you still find yourself without hair on your chest today, do you not, Tony?"

Gibbs looked expectantly between the two of them, but Tony was hanging his head without replying, and Ziva was moving down the hallway toward psych services. He smiled inwardly at the fact that Ziva had something on Tony. That rarely happened and Gibbs wondered when he would find out just what it was she had on Tony.

Almost two hours had passed. Gibbs had gone for coffee and returned. McGee had been googling anything he could find about how to restore order among feuding women and reviewing in his head everything that had happened to him in that women's prison. Tony had sat at his desk mumbling about chick fights imagined or missed, how both his partners had screwed him over and how he meant to find out exactly what had happened in the director's office today.

Ziva bounced into the bullpen and announced, "It is all settled, McGee. You may pick Susan Grady up at 7:00 o'clock tonight for a date. Then tomorrow you may speak to Janice Bracco about a date with her if you wish."

"Thank you, Ziva. Thank you."

"What!? No more fighting? We're not going to see a cat-fight at all? Damn it, Ziva, how could you spoil this for me? I was looking forward to some hair pulling and rolling around on the floor. I'm going home, boss…this is just too disappointing."

"Okay, DiNozzo, but if you do, you may miss the best part."

"Oh, crap. You're right. You never know when a woman will change her mind. They both might appear in the next ten minutes and duke it out right here in the bullpen. I'm staying, boss."

Gibbs smirked. Ziva smirked. McGee looked wonderingly between the three of them.

Tony had not slept a wink the night before and had come to the office at 0600 just to be out of the bed and doing something. Gibbs came in at 0615, ever-present coffee in hand. Ziva arrived at 0630 smelling of jasmine, fresh from her shower after an early morning run. Tim arrived at 0700 on the dot, latte in hand and a big smile on his face.

"Oh, man, you got some didn't you, McGuilty?"

"I'll never tell, Tony." McGee was still smiling. His mind played over the events of the night before. He had knocked on Susan Grady's door at a minute before 1900. He only had to wait a moment before the door opened. Janice Bracco stood there with twinkling eyes and a slight smile on her lips, although the shiner gave her the look of a very tough girl. She was wearing a pair of faded blue running shorts and a cut off white T-shirt that exposed the lower part of both breasts. McGee could smell the light flowery perfume she wore. He didn't realize he was staring until Susan Grady walked into view behind Janice wearing almost the same garb, except her shorts were red and her T-shirt was yellow. "Come on in, Tim. Ziva convinced us it was better to share than to fight."


End file.
